Readaloo

This is likely to be a chilly Christmas in the Woods' home this year, in more ways than one! Mrs. Woods is receiving some early gifts, too, it appears, if media reports are valid. Here are a few items I feel certain will not make it on Tiger's gift list for his beloved this year.

1. A new set of clubs. Nike or not, Tiger won't be having more custom sets with bag bundled with bright red bows brought right over.
2. A home makeover. Apparently, Elin can handle the job on her own without even a glance at the DIY channel.
3. Running shoes. Any woman who can chase her panicked, fleeing husband from the upstairs master bedroom, grab a 3 iron, and still outrun him in an Escalade just leaving a driveway should at least win bronze in the 200 M.
4. Gloria Allred legal services. By the time meetings conclude, Tiger will become Ms. Allred's favorite Secret Santa for the next 50 years, not to mention her clients! Gotta hand it to her, she really knows the commodities market!
5. A manicure along with a new set of nails. Mrs. Woods surely may be in desperate need of a visit to her own version of Palmolive lady, Madge, but Tiger's reflection says those visits may be sparsely scheduled from now on.
6. A dinner party with Mr. and Mrs. Jesper Parnevik. That reception would be icier than Frosty's tippy-toes, and way less likely to melt.
7. A new GPS system. Mr. Woods has a better chance being named Husband of the Year than he does escaping the Mrs' viewfinder from here out.
8. Season one of Lie to Me on DVD. Why give her more practice?
9. Power lifting classes. Even after the demolition derby in the house and on her husband, she can manage to shatter windows and pull him from the vehicle. Are you kidding? She could bench-press Jillian Michaels!
10. A new wallet. By the time Christmas day arrives, she'll need more accounts than Bernie Madoff to hold it all! Who needs the chump change!