Super Bowl Commercials
Top 10 Super Bowl Commercials, 2010/ Super Bowl 44
This lady is having a terribly difficult time trying to park this car, until the guy waiting behind her gets fed up and does it for her!
Few viral gift reactions have topped the original Nintendo 64 Kid, whose video is embedded below (along with a bonus N64 Kid Remix vid). But it may be time for N64 Kid to finally move over, for the new kid in town is now the Xbox 360 Kid, who goes wild upon receiving the titular Microsoft game console.
[via Gizmodo]
Stephen Colbert is coming to the Vancouver Winter Games and has accepted the city of Richmond's offer to be the Olympic Oval Ombudsman. He made the announcement on his satirical comedy show The Colbert Report.
He said he has no idea what it means to “ombud,” but “As long as it requires no effort from me, I proudly accept.”
What the comedian didn't do, however, was don the ombudsman's official uniform — the baby-pink toque that Richmond had sent to him.
Colbert was in the news earlier when Shani Davis, a member of the US speedskating team he is sponsoring, told the media that Colbert is “a jerk”, adding, “you can put that in the paper.”
Davis, who is said to not get along with fellow team members Apolo Anton Ohno, Trevor Marsicano and Chad Hendrick, and trains by himself in Calgary, declined the opportunity to explain his statement.
Stephen Colbert, who has been critical of Canada and the access U.S. athletes are being given to the Olympic speedskating oval, is coming to the Vancouver Winter Games.
By: Ian Fortey
Sex sells, but that doesn't mean that selling things using sex is easy. You figure a little cleavage can go a long way to sell cars or beer, but in the wrong hands a sexy ad can turn into the stuff nightmares are made of.
Not even sexy nightmares, either.
It really is hard to work pedophilia into your ad campaign gracefully. In the 70s, this Love's Baby Soft ad, with a dolled-up, pouty-lipped child and the slogan "because innocence is sexier than you think" appeared in an issue of Tiger Beat magazine.
And really, what better place to convince both young girls and sexual predators that this product can turn a preteen into a sexual dynamo?
We can't figure out whether this ad means the 70s were a much more innocent time (when, what, nobody had heard of pedophiles?) or a much, much sleazier time. From our brief research into the 70s, we're going to go with the latter.
Fortunately, we've come a long way since then...
... or, maybe not.
The Child and Adolescent Reference Center, perhaps worried about the army of pedophiles that Love's Baby Soft ad recruited, figured they needed to raise awareness about the problem. But how? Public service ads are so easy to ignore, and it's crucial that the public understand the horror of this issue.
Hey! Why not diagram a child blowing a dude?
The end result is a bizarre image of an invisible pedophile who's apparently only visible when viewed through some special infrared camera. Parents, your child could be getting teabagged by an invisible pedo right now.
And if the overwhelming awfulness going on in this ad isn't enough, there seems to be an ugly "how-to" vibe at work as well. How many pedophiles saw this and thought, "Rolling chair? Toy truck? Brilliant!"
We shudder to think.
If you're not familiar with the Dolce and Gabbana, you've likely seen the clothes if you've run into a douchebag recently. Apparently eager to distance themselves from the douche demographic, the fine folks at the D and G marketing department decided to aim for those fashionable, gay, gang-rape clubs you're always hearing about.
We could spend the rest of this article detailing all of the untold stories in the above photo. Is the naked victim dead, or just knocked out by heavy tranquilizers? The man zipping his pants, did he just finish, or is it his turn? The man on the right, listening intently... is he so new to the world of rape that he must take detailed instructions from his gray-haired rape coach on the far right?
Like any good restaurant, Burger King is well aware that people love blowjobs. But most ad campaigns that find success by incorporating fellatio into their sales message do so by implying that if you buy their product, you will be on the receiving end of copious amounts of oral sex mere moments later. Burger King, on the other hand, apparently thinks it would work better for everyone if you were to just blow them instead.
According to the ad for their new Big Seven Incher, one of the most atrociously named food products since the McSodomy with Cheese, it will "blow your mind away." Is that what the expression the woman's face is supposed to mean? It kind of looks like she's trying to cope with the revelation that the Burger King mascot has a greasy sandwich for a dong.
Hey, we bet you thought that was going to be the most horrifying oral sex reference on the list. You were wrong, weren't you? Weren't you?
The major selling point for this ad, other than the fact it's for a 9.5-inch long condom, is that you can finally rest easy when you're giving some mostly faceless lady a Joker smile, because you're going to be covered and it's pretty obvious she's going to be bleeding.
You could call this ad "inappropriate" in the sense that it seems intended for someone with a 15-year-old boy's concept of sex. But actually it's perfectly appropriate for the Durex XXL customer: the guy who thinks his cock is so huge that no normal condom can cover it. Dude, you can fit a regular condom over your head. Even if you did have a freakish dick wide enough to rip open a jaw (say, three-inches in diameter), this product still only has one legitimate use: to impress the cashier at the drug store when you're checking out.
Aaaaand with one image we have been turned off of both sex and video games forever.
This has to be based off a dream somebody at Sony had. Or maybe it's the result of a hilarious mistranslation from the corporate office in Japan and the ad design team in the USA. Either way, this woman is about to get caught fucking four giant, hairy, flesh buttons.
There are so many horrible little details here: From the way the living cushions have no human features other than sweat, chest hair and pleasure trails, to the way the cushion on the far right is writhing, like a huge fucking tongue.
Also, if you look on the end of the bed there, it appears one of them came in wearing a fur coat. Have fun with that mental image for a while.
Apparently the ad department at this German magazine couldn't think of anything else that accurately encapsulated what their periodical has to offer the public more than a woman getting oral from a dog. We've all been backed into that corner before.
The series of ads feature nothing more than the word "Deutsch" and then in smaller text the assurance that it's a magazine for international lifestyles. Really, Deutsch? That's how they do it overseas? What country are you talking about exactly?
Maybe this is an attempt at an image makeover, like Dolce and Gabbana, and it all started with them figuring out how they as Germans could put those unpleasant Nazi associations behind them. So really it was this or pedophilia, and that one was already taken.
Coming from the UK, this ad for Patrick Cox shoes demonstrates what happens when ad people realize that shoes are fucking boring and that angry, Greco-Roman man sex will at least draw some extra attention to those boring ass shoes.
On first glance you might think "but those dudes aren't even wearing shoes" and you'd be right, but there does appear to be a female spectator in shoes, watching as one jock-strap wearing greasy man pile drives another jock-strap wearing dude's corn hole on a hardwood floor. See, it's not the official shoe of man rape, it's the official shoe of watching man rape.
The company was disappointed to see their ad banned and responded by pointing out that, since both men have jock straps on, technically no penetrative sex can take place. Thank God for that, otherwise this perplexing gymnasium pseudo rape scene might be weird.
Back to Germany again, where if you can't make someone feel awkward with your ad campaign then you're just doing it wrong. As you can see, this ad clearly exemplifies why this particular brand of vacuum will suit the needs of any home owner, so long as that home owner only needs a vacuum for the purposes of tying up nude intruders and debasing them in front of a mirror.
You know what's really sad about this scenario (OK, other than the dude's thong and knee boots)? That rug looks filthy.
Some products are inherently sexy. The nipple tassel market can't help but be ensconced in sexiness all the time. Lingerie, stripper poles, bananas, all these things carry with them an air of attraction and hotness. And then, on the other end of the spectrum, are products that were specifically designed to clean dirty assholes. Aside from a few "special" people, no one finds these things sexy.
Despite this, the people who make Renova toilet paper thought that ass wiping was a good basis for a sexy ad, the woman looking desperate for access to her man's exceptionally clean anus. Also, their bathroom is a warehouse.
The ad portrays the worst fishing spot in the known world, somewhere in the Dick Ocean, while a naked Disney Princess guides her condom sub through what is undoubtedly the most obscene coral reef in the history of ever. There are dick turtles, dick octopi, dick jellyfish and even a nasty dick anemone that appears to be splooging in the bottom center.
Worst of all? The artist didn't Google "how does a condom work" before putting brush to paper. You don't put the woman in there, silly. That won't even work, unless you're using Durex XXLs.
The message we're left with? Ladies, do not go scuba diving nude or the entire ocean will try to give you syphilis.
We made a joke up there about Germany and Nazis and we're starting to feel bad about it. After all, the Germans are known for much more than Hitler and sexual perversion. Right?
On an unrelated note, here's a German AIDS public service ad featuring Hitler railing some broad from behind. Everybody involved seems to be enjoying themselves, so we're not completely sure who is supposed to be frightened by this. Really, the only message is that you should always knock before barging into Hitler's room.
The idea behind the campaign was to liken AIDS to some of history's more infamous mass murderers, including Stalin and Saddam Hussein, all of whom are pictured mid coitus with models who we can only assume did not inform friends and family of this particular job.
By: Shezah Salam
Throughout the course of an average day, you're probably faced with 10 to 20 different things that make you say, "Man, if I knew who came up with that idea, I'd punch them clean in the face." But where do you place that absolutely understandable rage? You place it on these people. With your fist, if possible.
The Man
Mitch Bainwol is the current CEO of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Christ, do we even need to finish this entry? You've probably heard all you need to hear.
The Crime
The following scenario is brought to you by Mitch Bainwol:
After receiving an email from that unofficial Miley Cyrus fanclub message board that you're way too old to be signed up for, you find out that her new album has leaked to the Internet a month early. You can barely sit still as you joyfully count the seconds away to torrent download completion and pure unadulterated teen-pop magic. A few days later, you get another email that goes something like this:
Dear Anonymous Internet User,
Please give us $3,000 for that Miley Cyrus album you downloaded or we will end your shit.
XOXOXO,
The RIAA
Prior to 2003, the RIAA was still not winning any popularity awards among the American public. However their hate crimes against music and teenagers had been limited to dismantling Internet file-sharing services and creating copy-protected CDs that nobody could use. Then in 2003, the board of directors decided to fuck Public Relations all together and summoned Mitch Bainwol from the deepest pits of Litigation Hell.
Bainwol (equipped with his legions of lawyer minions) set to work in ravaging the bank accounts of their own customers who were, in many cases, downloading a couple of tracks from an album to see if they wanted to buy it. His victims of choice include any student with a college fund, any parent with a school kid and any house with a computer. Usually, defendants pay a settlement fee (that ranges anywhere from $3,000-$12,000) but in the instances where the cases went to court... let's just say Christmas came early at the Bainwol household. In the case against Jammie Thomas-Rasset, the RIAA was awarded $80,000 per song, or $1.92 million after she was found guilty of sharing the most embarrassing 24 song playlist imaginable with countless Internet users.
Of course if Bainwol had stopped there, he probably wouldn't have made this list. But, feeling that the RIAA coffers weren't filled quite enough with gold and tears, his lawyers later claimed that you are violating copyright law if you rip a CD you own to your own computer.
They claim this to be because the user is transferring the music into a medium "not of the artist's choosing." By that logic, even singing in the shower could be considered a felony as you are using an unauthorized medium of atmospheric vibrations.
The Man
John Langley is an American television director. Among his credits are documentaries like American Vice: The Doping of a Nation, Who Murdered J.F.K. and Terrorism: Target U.S.A. Oh, he's also the creator of the FOX television mainstay Cops, which lit the fuse on the Reality Television turd bomb.
The Crime
During the infamous Writers Guild Strike of 1988, television networks suddenly found themselves at a loss for badly-thought out teleplays. Without the writers to tell them exactly when to bring coma patients back to life, soap operas suffered immensely. The season finale of Star Trek: The Next Generation was composed almost entirely of footage from previous episodes. To this day, just the thought of that debacle sends fanboys into nerdtastic convulsions.
Meanwhile, inspired by the natural eloquence of the stoners he filmed being locked up on his documentary American Vice, Langley approached FOX with the idea for an unscripted reality show where the cameras just follow a bunch of cops around and watch them arrest people and chase them through alleys. Realizing he had just pitched a show where they would not have to pay writers or actors, the network jumped at the proposal and Cops, America's first reality TV show, was born.
With the creation of Cops, Langley earned himself a whole new title: "The Father of Reality TV." Yeah, MTV took the format to dastardly new heights with The Real World, but the fact remains, when it comes to shit you could sit on your front porch and see (depending on your neighborhood) being passed off as good television, Cops did it first.
And now, you get to spend your Tuesday nights watching obese people cry about how their mommies never loved them and dudes with washboard abs trying to pick a future ex-wife from a bevy of fake breasted skanks, all thanks to one guy who figured out that you don't need to spend a bunch of money on creative people because, after all, the viewers will watch anything.
The Man
Ronald A. Katz is an innovator in the field of automated call center technology. That sentence alone should be hint enough that he's worthy of a shot to the grill, but we'll go on. His inventions are varied, ranging from moderately useful (toll free numbers, computer telephone integration units) to mostly ineffective (voice recognition systems).
But he also invented something else, something so nefarious that, if he happened to be in the room while you were using it, you'd very likely throttle his windpipe without so much as a second thought about the possible consequences.
The Crime
Do these words sound familiar to you?
"Hello, you've reached the Asshole Company That Doesn't Give a Shit About You customer helpline. For assistance in paying bills, press one; to receive product information, press two; if you have a problem with our product, press three; if none of these options apply, press four and your call will be disconnected leaving you to aimlessly wander around our website in a desperate last ditch effort to resolve your issue..."
By the looks of the blood rushing to your ears, we're guessing you've already been acquainted with automated customer service representatives. When it comes to those lifeless, automated agents of uselessness and frustration, Katz is their god. During his years spent transforming your life into an automated Hell on Earth, Katz has obtained more than 50 U.S. patents. With an estimated 150 companies having purchased licenses to use his patience eroding creations, Ronald Katz is estimated to be the wealthiest patent holder ever. Meanwhile, the check you're trying to write for a 12 pack of Steel Reserve won't go through because Katz's other invention, Telecredit, verified that your account just happens to be $206.38 in the hole. Just one more reason to let one fly on this dude's dome.
The Man
In the field of advertising, Alvin Eicoff is a legend. In fact, he's so much of a legend that he was elected to the Direct Marketing Association (yes, that really exists). Hell, it was his idea to use toll free phone numbers for television orders. Without this dude, that Snuggie you bought would have included long distance charges. Why would you possibly want to punch this guy in the face?
The Crime
Along with the 800-number thing, Alvin Eicoff also came up with Direct Response Television. What's that, we just pretended you asked? Think "Billy Mays."
Yes, Direct Response Television is that heinous method of product pitching that centers around beating the same message into the bleary eyed customer's subconscious until the only words remaining in their vocabulary are "call now." The products are mostly useless, they pressurize you with time bound offers and the actors pretend to wet themselves with excitement over an orange peeler.
And you fall for that shit because, yeah, now that they mention it some 75 times in 30 seconds, maybe they're right. You do need a carrot juicer! And while you're on the horn, you might as well pick up an Awesome Auger and a pair of scissors that will cut through a penny. That deal only lasts for 10 minutes!
Every time Billy Mays worked himself into a cocaine fueled lather and screamed at you about the miracle of Magic Putty, he was doing Alvin Eicoff's dirty work. Eicoff later compounded this already dastardly deed by demanding that every ad must end with the words "or your money back." If it hadn't taken you 78 days to get around to using that Showtime Rotisserie that came with the 30 day money back guarantee, you'd maybe be able to thank him for that. But it did, so you can't. Also, he's totally dead. That's what you get for not acting now!
The Man
John Law was a Scottish economist. When we say "economist," we mean that in the loosest terms possible. Prior to being tasked with running the national bank of France back in the 1700s, you wouldn't have taken him for the kind of guy you would even trust with a child's piggy bank. Possibly because of that unfortunate murder charge that kept him from leaving the country.
But put him in charge they did, and what he did with this newfound power has a whole lot to do with why you're quite possibly living in a trailer park right now.
The Crime
You've heard of sub-prime lending, right? You know, that's the system where American bankers believed that they could turn a bunch of really bad hobo debts into a class of AAA securities by using nothing more than the power of wishful thinking. Well, turns out, they weren't the first to try the miracles of this practice. Your boy John Law introduced the system in France during the early 18th century with (surprise!) the same disastrous consequences.
As Controller General of Finance, Law convinced the French royals to pay off their government debts by exchanging them for shares in the Mississippi Company, which held exclusive trading rights to France. One small problem: the company wasn't making profits, the shares were worth shit and nobody wanted them. To overcome this setback, Law repackaged a bunch of these sub-prime debts as marketable securities and voila--the shares became hotter than a Parisian hooker in a lace corset.
Law's plan worked for awhile--that is, before it crashed and burned. The French economy, along with a lot of Europe, plummeted into deep recession and economic crisis. Meanwhile, the French peasants, thrown into poverty and destitution, were subjected to the 18th century version of Suze Orman. This understandably set the stage for the French Revolution. It also led to the United States trying the exact same shit hundreds of years later which, in turn, led to the Cracked offices being relocated to an abandoned Carl's Jr. on the outskirts of Butte, Montana. Thanks, France!
The Man
Andy Hindelbrand had worked for years interpreting seismic data for the oil industry. Using a mathematical formula called autocorrelation, Hindelbrand would send sound waves into the ground and record their reflections, providing an accccccccccccca;sdlk... whoa, we fell asleep for a second there! An accurate map of potential drill sites. That's what that boring shit he was doing was all about.
Now if you're thinking that's one dull dead-end job, don't... his technique saved the oil companies millions and allowed him to retire at 40. That's reason enough to blast him in the facepiece, but there's more.
The Crime
After 13 years of playing music for rocks, Hindelbrand figured he needed to party and unwind. During a retirement dinner party, a guest challenged him to a most interesting, um, challenge. She wanted him to invent a box that would allow her to sing in tune. After presumably consulting with Satan himself, Hindelbrand took up the challenge and created Auto-Tune.
Though Hindelbrand designed the device to be used primarily for pitch correction, Cher promptly employed it to sound like a drowning R2-D2 on her comeback hit "Believe," giving the public their first encounter with Auto-Tune. Hindelbrand hadn't realized that basic human nature towards a new technological toy would be to blatantly misuse it or turn it into a method of mass torture. This is something we at Cracked could have easily predicted. Afterall, give a kid a GTA console and he'll spend the first 10 minutes killing pedestrians in the most creative ways possible.
Now Auto-Tune has become an indispensable part of the music industry, acting as a sort of Photoshop for the human voice. From Britney Spears to obscure Bollywood soundtracks, every singer now presumes that you'll just run their voice through the box.
It gets worse. Since literally anyone can sing with its help, the maker's of Auto-Tune have now teamed up with T-Pain to release a $99 version of the device along with iPhone applications for home musicians.
The Man
Gary Thuerk has had Internet access since most of the people reading this were just swimmers in their fathers' hairy sack. We'll give you a second to meditate on that, kids. Cool, moving on. Back in 1973, when the Internet was still called Arpanet, Thuerk was working as the marketing manager for the creatively named Digital Equipment Corporation and was looking for a fast and easy way to let people know about his company's products.
What he came up with would have repercussions that last to this very day. Repercussions that, if they are to be believed, will increase your penis size by 500 percent and allow you to refinance your home in a way that will actually end up making you money.
The Crime
Thuerk's idea for promoting his product was to send an unsolicited email to some 600 Arpanet users. That's right, Gary Thuerk is the dickface who first thought up the concept of spam email.
If you're thinking 600 is a small number compared to spammers today, keep in mind that this was in 1973, and there were only a total of about several thousand users of Arpanet at the time.
When the email users checked their inboxes, the foreign looking message with a cc list longer than Sarah Jessica Parker's face was a strange and unusual sight. Some, ignorant of the trend of Viagra messages the notification would spark, found it interesting. Others cursed Thuerk when their computer crashed. The Defense Communication Agency was furious and forbid Thuerk from ever sending unsolicited mails again.
But the seeds of a national menace had been formed. Today, a managed email security firm based in New York says spam now makes up more than 80 percent of all email being sent around the world.
These days, Thuerk says people have one of three reactions when they meet him: some are excited to meet someone with such an unusual claim to fame; some avoid him like the plague; and others, us for example, just want to deliver a fist of fury to his piehole. Can you blame us?
Ben Stiller pulled out all the social media stops today when he launched his semi-satirical charity initiative, Stillerstrong, via Facebook, Twitter and a branded Web site.
In Ben Stiller’s world even charity is ripe for parody. Such is the case with Stillerstrong.org, the newly launched website for Stiller’s partnership with Save the Children. The site will feature a series of viral videos aimed at raising money and awareness for the Save the Children’s Ceverine Community School Project in Haiti. In the first video Stiller takes on his friend, and uber-fundraiser, Lance Armstrong — directly asking the Tour de France champion to wear a Stillerstong head band in support of his charity. Stiller also has a spot on the site with Owen Wilson, where the actor begrudgingly takes one of Stiller’s goofy headbands for himself–and his dog.
The whole thing may feel really jokey but Stiller is serious about raising the money. He says, “With Save the Children, because I assume they know how to save kids, we are raising money to expand the school, dig a drinking water well there, and set up a self sustainable crop field to help the residents keep the school going for years to come. It’s only one school, but hopefully our efforts will lead to greater awareness for the education needs of the children in Haiti.
Stiller provides a myriad of ways for users to contribute: via PayPal, text message or by purchasing one of those sweet headbands. The actor has recently been getting hip to the new trends (remember when he taught Mickey Rooney how to use Twitter?), so perhaps the headgear will take off in the same way Armstrong’s bracelets did — at least among the tragically ironic set.
YouTube and the web have provided a new and powerful medium for video and TV commercials. The great ones can go viral, resulting in millions upon millions of views.
MSI’s Acrobuttocks commercial, Microsoft’s MEGAWOOSH and Windows 7 ads, and Evian’s Roller Babies immediately come to mind.
Out of the thousands of commercials that have gone viral though, the skating Evian babies video has accomplished something none of the others have: it has broken a world record. Last week, the Guinness Book of World Records officially declared Roller Babies the most viewed online advertisement in history.
Utilizing data from Nielsen and YouTube, Guinness has concluded that, through November 9th, Evian’s break-dancing infants have racked up a total of 45,166,109 online views worldwide. It’s even more amazing when you realize that this ad campaign was exclusive to YouTube. 45 million views for a critically acclaimed commercial that millions remember and actively discussed worldwide? We think any brand will take those numbers.More companies are realizing the power of social media to spread a message on the cheap. That’s why we think this record’s destined to be broken sooner rather than later. Here’s the commercial if you want to immerse yourself in the sheer awesomeness of dancing babies:
